Embracing the Solitude

I tend to talk a lot about the mistake of investing all of one’s identity into a partner–but maybe the focus should be on something else.  Maybe that focus should be on embracing solitude.  That is right.  From my view, I think it is important to draw upon my own inner strength than to rely on the idea of having someone to lean on.   This could be for several reasons.  However, I feel that most of it is the fact that much of what I endured in life, I endured alone.  I didn’t even feel comfortable going to family with ANYTHING.  I am not used to having someone say, “Hey, I’m here for you.”  Seriously.  I don’t recall ever having that type of relationship with anyone.  I am referring to having such a close bond with a partner that I could totally rely on the strength of that relationship to carry me through any adversity that went on.

Am I the only one that has ever experienced this thought train?  I am used to having to take care of my own shit–not having emotional support through it and such, and ultimately, having  to claw my way back out of the graveyard of despair while forcing myself into the land of the living again…But wait!  That graveyard, at least, felt safe.  Since nobody could touch me within that crypt I built for myself, I did not have to fear the possibility of getting hurt again.  I never thought for one minute that that place would be almost like a prison of my own making.

My fear of people resulted in my reclusiveness.  The only ones who saw me were my family, and some of them tried to control what I did via emotional manipulation.  When I woke up to that fact and started fighting my way back, I never dreamed that the people closest to me would have so much opposition to my decisions.  I had to break away from the tribe a bit.  I learned that sometimes even family members do not realize that they are trying to put bars of their own around us sometimes. I will not now, and would not at that time let anyone else try to mold me into a carbon copy of themselves.  I do not cave to the “pecking order” among those around me–ever.  I never will.

My sons are grown now. I have a chance to see the world and experience different cultures.  I fully intend to do so.  The time is now!  This time is mine and I can do all of this now since I have learned to embrace my solitude.  I will admit that  it would be nice to have a boyfriend or significant other–so long as he doesn’t try to cage me.  Trying to cage me, especially since the second marriage, only makes me run like a bloody damned gazelle!  This is especially true for guys who think they “possess the woman” after only dating for 2-3 months.  They’ll get dropped like a bad habit. 

Do men go through this crap too?  Just wondering…

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. daphne
    Dec 19, 2010 @ 15:47:27

    omg this is a great one tina……i am the same way i am so independent and used to doin things on my own. i work hard for the things i have…..in er relationship i feel i am the one givin from my relationship wit my kids, my job, kevin all of im always there when they call but when its my turn to call noone hears or cares….i tell kevin all the time i do er thing i can and things i prob shouldnt for u and u treat me like crap not sayin im perfect but he dont think he is but he try to posess be the ”MAN”…..even with him i was still alone…..but alone sucks….

    Reply

  2. kadja2
    Jan 03, 2011 @ 07:19:22

    I agree. There is a part of me that would love to have a special someone, but since you know me personally, then you know why I’ve learned to embrace this so much. Stay sweet, kiddo! You’re a doll! It’s his loss!

    Reply

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